LOVE HEALS
by Mauraderess
Summary: Edward love I've had so much time in these three days to think and I don't want it. Immortality has no meaning to me. If you hadn't noticed I'd become somewhat in love with my mortality, the idea of dying, of hurting, bleeding.
1. Prolouge: Song for the Broken

PROLOUGE: SONG FOR THE BROKEN

_**I AM THE BROKEN  
I AM THE BRUISED  
I AM THE POOR ONES  
I HAVE BEEN USED**_

**BARLOW GIRL: SONG FOR THE BROKEN**

Smiling softly she tugged at her lank locks. As if she could ever be good enough. Closing her eyes she sighed, pretending, just for one moment she was worthy of him, imagining fore just one second she was deserved him. She started as she felt two strong arms wrap lightly around her waist. _Wow I have a vivid imagination. _She thought. She leaned into a muscled chest and a sigh of contentment escaped her before she opened her eyes, positive the illusion would fade back into her dreams. She was so sure if she would let her fantasy continue that she would go too far when the pain returned. She blinked slightly at the reflection and turned around running her fingers lightly across her angel's face…and then he was gone, drawing her deeper into the pain, pulling her farther into the blackness lurking in her heart.


	2. Chapter One: Pain

**Authors Note: sorry it took so long to get this out! I love how patient you've been guys. Anyway just so you know most of my titles will be song titles or lyrics, maybe random sayings. I'll explain most of them to you at the end. If you don't figure out the chapter significance : P**

* * *

_Anger and agony are better than misery _

_Trust me and take my hand_

_When the lights go out you'll understand_

_Pain, without love_

_Pain, cant get enough_

_Pain, I like it rough _

_I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_

_**Pain--THREE DAYS GRACE**_

* * *

"Bella?" Charlie asked, "Bella? Are you in there?" Bella vaguely heard Charlie shake the door. She called back to him, hoping it would deter him from entering.

"I'm here Dad, I'm about to get in the shower kay?" the doorknob stopped shaking and she heard Charlie sigh with relief.

"OK Bells, well I'm going fishing with Billy so I'll see you soon."

Bella heard him stomp down the stairs and the little house shook as the door shut. She heard Charlie start the cruiser and pull out.

She let out the breath she had been holding in. Finally alone…yes she really was alone…so, so alone. The pain racked her body, she wrapped her arms tightly around her torso trying to keep every part of her from flying apart. Shuddering she slipped the small razor blade out of her bag.

"No Bella. Don't you dare" The velvety voice screamed she smiled and dragged the blade across her arm. The small cut cleared the thick emotional pain and all of it focused on that small cut. The relief was amazing. Almost like it never happened, it was like she could almost not feel her heart breaking. She dragged the razor across her skin again and another thin line sliced across her arm.

"Isabella Marie Swan, Stop this, Stop it now Bella, please, Bella, stop." The velvet voice in her head pleaded. She dragged the thin blade across her arm once more.

"Bella?" Jacob's voice called from her room. She scrambled to clean up. turning the shower on she yelled.

"Hey Jake! Just let me hop in the shower! I'll be right out." Her voice was shaking but thankfully Jacob didn't notice.

"Oh, okay I'll wait downstairs then."

Sighing she rinsed her cuts waiting for the bleeding to slow. She wrapped a thin layer of gauze around her arm and slipped into her room. Pulling on a long sleeved sweater and jeans, she fumbled around her room trying to move quickly. She threw her hair into a ponytail after tying her shoes and ran down the stairs. She tripped on the last step as always and closed her eyes waiting for the impact. Two strong arms shot out and grabbed her waist. She opened her eyes to look into the black eyes of her best friend Jacob Black.

"Thanks Jake" she whispered remembering who always used to catch her before.

"Anytime Bell's" he smiled and she couldn't help but try and lift the corners of her mouth in a sad imitation of a smile.

"So who's babysitting me today?" she joked halfheartedly.

"I am. So what do you want to do?"

She thought about it. Something dangerous…something that could bring back the velvet voice was what she wanted.

"Well you could take me cliff diving like you promised." She insisted.

Jacob frowned. He obviously didn't like the idea of her jumping of a cliff.

"I don't know Bells the waves are kinda big today…but we could ride the bikes?"

He said it as a question but Bella knew it was more of a statement. But her outlook suddenly brightened. She'd still be able to hear his voice if she rode the bikes.

"Lets go"

* * *

After a long day of riding…and falling Bella jumped in the shower, turning it to cold as usual and let the water run down her skin, the icy feeling making her feel at home. She sighed leaning against the tile humming absently. And then stopped. She gasped in horror and pain, clenching her arms around her torso, as she realized she'd been humming the lullaby again…her lullaby. The grasped tighter, fighting the pain that threatened to tear her into a million pieces. Dropping to the floor she sobbed harder and harder. Springing forward she reached for the razor blade. Quickly she dragged it across her arm, creating a shallow cut, gasping as the icy pain shut out everything, even Edward voice. Dragging it down her arm once more, two times, a third she sighed as she felt the small bit of relive wash over her. She bound her arm again as she stepped out of the shower and moved quickly into her room. She shut the door and slipped into her comfy sweats and huge hoodie. She sank into her bed and leaned against the headboard. She pushed lightly on the cuts making them throb. Pushing up her sleeves she examined the thin scars slicing across her arms. Standing up she pulled them down stretching slightly before heading downstairs to make Charlie's dinner. Deciding on fish she busied herself with his dinner. After she was done she set his in the microwave and dug into hers. As she turned to grab her drink she saw a flash of red hair just outside her window.

"oh my god" she whispered setting her plate down she ran outside glancing frantically left to right.

"JAKE!!" she screamed loudly, looking around as she heard the pound of heavy paws behind her. A huge russet wolf appeared in front of her and she jumped forward hugging his neck and sobbing into the warm fur.

"Jake its her, its Victoria" he looked at her and made a motion with his head, telling her to get on. Struggling slightly she grabbed on to his neck, clutching for dear life. He took off into the forest. She closed her eyes thinking of the last time she was in the woods, and then of the last time she road on someone's back to safety. Burying her head into Jake's shoulder she sobbed more. She looked up as she heard the steady rhythm of more paws joining Jakes and saw who she assumed to be Quill and Embry on either side of her. She relaxed slightly, letting Jake carry her to safety.

**If you didn't realize the song title "Pain" by Three Days Grace is reffering to Bella's cutting. Well really I would love a review. Come on you know you want to!!**


	3. Chapter Two: Curses

AUTHORS NOTE: YEAH I AM UPDATING ONCE AGAIN

**AUTHORS NOTE: YEAH I AM UPDATING ONCE AGAIN!! WOOT! Any way sorry it's taking so long to get chapters out. I have finals coming up and school and it's been a little crazy. Anyway, I realize now I totally forgot a disclaimer on like both of my previous posts! SORRY STEPHANIE MEYER!! Well I should probably end this epic author's note so you can read the story….**

**DISCLAIMER: It's all Stephanie's…dang it!**

_**Because there's forces working in our hands but we don't understand them**_

_**I need a map to find my way out all the time**_

_**Theres curses lurking in our hands but we don't want to find it**_

_**We need to come back down and face what we've become**_

_**It's hard to me **_

_**I'm so alone**_

_**I'm just trying to find my way back home**_

_**I'm so alone**_

**CURSES—BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE**

"Edward, Edward please come home. We miss you…Esme is nearly hysterical, can you just please come home and check in for a bit? Sometime this week maybe? We love you Edward, remember that…bye."

Alice leaned against my chest feeling uncontrollably sad. I tried my hardest to soothe her, but my own sadness and grief was making it really difficult.

"I miss Bella." Alice whispered. I flinched slightly and Alice turned to look back at me knowingly. I looked down quickly but not before she could catch the guilt lurking in my eyes.

"It's not your fault Jazz." She whispered moving closer to rub soothing circles on my chest.

"Isn't it though? If I had more control this wouldn't have happened. Edward would be with us and happy. We would be at our REAL home, you would have your best friend and you would be happy. We would ALL be happy." If I could cry right now I probably could I thought. "Bella probably hates me."

Alice smiled "She never could. You know how she is; she probably thinks we all hate her for making us leave…But Jazz I know she doesn't. I saw it; before Edward told her we were leaving she was going to ask him to bring her over so she could let you know she wasn't mad at you, that she forgave you."

I laughed slightly. "She really is something." I felt Alice's sadness wash over me again. Much stronger this time.

"Was." Alice whispered.

I looked at her letting my questions show in my eyes.

"I saw her in a vision about a week ago. She was…sitting on her porch, just sitting there leaning against her door, staring out at the woods. Her eyes…her eyes were so...so empty and broken Jazz. And out of no where she just started sobbing; holding onto her torso like it was all she could do to keep from flying apart." Alice shuddered against me and soft tearless sobs racked her little body. I held her as close as I possibly could. It was times like this that my power was so useless. And such a curse. All the sadness in the house nearly drove him mad, and little Alice next to him emitting such grief and hurt. It was hard enough to deal with his own, but everyone else's was horrible. Especially knowing his angel was so hurt. Edward's was the worst though. I dreaded when he came home but looked forward to it at the same time. He hadn't given me the chance to apologize. I really wanted too I knew it was all my fault. The feelings of guilt were so incredibly intense in me. No matter what Allie said I knew this was all my fault. If I had better control I would never have tried to hurt Bella. And we would have never moved. I had ruined my family's happiness, maybe forever. How could I ever live with myself? Suddenly Alice's sobs quieted and her eyes glazed over. I waited silently and patiently trying to control my emotions before they reached Alice, making her feel the same way I did. Then her emotions shifted and just a little bit of her old excitement begin to cloud over some of the grief that always threatened to engulf her completely. I smiled expectantly waiting to hear what she had seen. She bounced lightly on my lap.

"Edward's coming home! He's going to call in 23 seconds." True to her word the phone rang exactly 23 seconds later. I reached around my excited wife and picked up the phone sitting on the table next to me.

"Hello?"

"Jasper? It's Edward." I winced at his dull emotionless. Alice looked at me sadly.

"Hey Edward what's up?" I asked trying to keep the conversation light.

"I'm coming ho- to the house…I'll be there in about…12 hours' tops" His voice shifted from monotone to a tired pained tone.

"That's great Edward, Esme will be thrilled"  
"Yeah, sure" Edward mumbled. I leaned against the couch as Alice took off to tell everyone.

"How have you been?" I asked hesitantly. I heard Edward's sharp intake of breath and instantly regretted asking.

"Dead Jasper, hurting, lonely, and dead is how I've been." His voice was shaking with barely controlled anguish.

"I'm so sorry Edward…So so Sorry." I know he understood the double meaning, I was sorry for causing this, I was sorry he was hurt.

"I know Jasper. I'm sorry too, sorry I exist." With that the line went dead. I hung my head listening to the melancholy sound of the dial tone. I felt the guilt race into my system again tearing at my heart. It was unbearable. I looked up as Alice entered the room slowly and another feeling of pure grief washed over me. What was wrong? Not even 2 minutes ago she was happier, and now she felt like she had just lost everything, her sadness was worse than before.

"Alice?" I leaned forward and gathered her small frame into my arms holding her like as small child. My stance was protective, wishing I could shield her from all the pain she was feeling.

"What's wrong my love?" Alice snuggled even closer her body shaking lightly with her small sobs.

"I saw her again Jazz, I wasn't concentrating on blocking her like normal and I saw her in the meadow…_Their_ meadow. Just crying and Jazz it was so awful! I've never seen anyone cry like that. It was like her whole world was missing. She looked so sad, and empty. Jazzy we need to go help her!" She made to stand up but my arms created an iron cage around her, making her stay on my lap.

"Alice this is what Edward said would happen, that's why he didn't want you watching. But we know she'll heal, she'll forget and move on. And Edward wants her to be safe, with us out of her life and if we go it will only aggravate her wounds and hurt her more. We need to let her let us go…we need to let her go. Alice sobbed harder and pulled me close clinging onto me. I knew she understood I was right but it didn't stop her from still hurting. A small part was angry at Edward for doing this but mostly she was just in pain. I hugged my wife closer wishing I could take it all away. Wishing vehemently that we weren't what we were, wishing we were still happy. I wished we could be free of our curses.

**CURSES by Bullet for My Valentine as the chapter name talks about how Jasper blames everything on himself. And how he feels that he is cursed with is power because he can't even really help anyone he loves right now.**

**sob this was a depressing chapter to write. No really I was all happy when I sat down to type it up and now I feel all emo…sad huh? You know what would make me really happy again? REVIEWS…would be so lovely. **


	4. Chapter Three: Her Voice Resides

Authors Note: SOOOOOOO sorry it took so long to get this chapter out

**Authors Note: SOOOOOOO sorry it took so long to get this chapter out! My computer has been unplugged so we could move it and I just got it plugged in! Really I know how crazy I must be driving you guys! So without further ado here is chapter three!!**

**Disclaimer: It's all Stephanie's…for now…lol**

_Will I just fall to pieces  
or am I alright?  
To iron out my creases  
You must lacerate me till they're gone_

These are my final words to you  
I know you're listening can you hear me?  
The time has come to say 'goodbye'  
these are my final words... to you…

Heaven, Where is my angel?  
I need her now holding me  
Heaven, Where is my angel  
I need her now... Holding me... Tonight

_**--Bullet for My Valentine**_

Rocking back on my heels I looked up the endless sky of gray stretching over the sparkling expanse of land. I leaned against the prickly needles of a pine and closed my eyes, sighing. I was trying, trying so damn hard just to remember how to function. How to move, or think, or breathe, how to feel something else besides the pain, and it was nearly impossible. I was doing all I could to stop myself from flying back to Bella's side. Really I was going crazy imagining being reunited with my love…and once again my mind ran away from me, dancing into its beautiful heartbreaking fantasies. I would burst into the small little house she shared with Charlie, where she would be cooking dinner as usual. As she turned around she would smile that breathtaking smile of hers and I would sweep her into my arms, crushing her to me, letting her luscious scent fill me. I would feel how every curve in her body melded into mine, and how silky her hair felt running through my fingers, how rhythmic her heart beat against mine. Then I would tilt her face up to meet mine, just able to gaze into her big warm eyes before they fluttered shut as I leaned in to kiss her. It would start out loving and gentle as always, but she would respond like always, and I would let her. Delving into her warm mouth, exploring. Then gasping in surprise she would smile against my mouth and I would hold her up as her knees weakened. Her sweet breath whooshing out of her mouth as she sighed in pleasure and surprise. But I could never go back to her. I snapped out of my reverie and my eyes flew open and I stared sadly into the cold lifeless beauty of the Alaskan wild. I ran. The sky was speeding around me far to fast as I ran with all my might. But unlike before, I didn't feel the exhilarating rush. Instead I felt the pain clinging all the harder trying to stop my escape. The blackness was pulling at me, slowly engulfing me in its empty cruelty. And this time Bella wouldn't come and light up my sky. No one in this world could save me. I'd couldn't see the stars or moon anymore, it was worse than before. And the beautiful meteorite that had shot across my sky was gone forever. gone to light the sky of someone who could love her like she deserved and who would never endanger her. Someone who was not…me.

I stopped and took in my surroundings. I was somewhere in Canada by the look of the surrounding area. Buy the coast…maybe a swim would do me good. I was way too close to Bella anyway so I took off. Pushing through the water in powerful strokes I sped across the ocean. I was cutting through the vast expanse of water so swiftly no boat could be expected to dream of keeping up. I ended up somewhere in London wandering aimlessly down an alleyway. I looked up to see a young couple standing in the falling rain. Bella would love to be here. She would have loved all the historic sights. I looked up at the couple ahead of me, envisioning it was Bella and I in their place. I saw us wandering the streets of London hand in hand. I closed my eyes and saw her beautiful face, tilting up to meet the sky and frown at the pouring rain that was falling all around us. She hated the rain. My eyes flew open and I was off again. I rented a room in a small hotel and got to the quiet solitude as fast as I possible could. And when I was alone in that small quiet room, I let the pain take me. I cried, soul wrenching tearless sobs. I let the memories wash over me. For only a second remembering her face filled the hole inside of me. But it ripped open even wider as the realization that she wouldn't be there with me when the memories faded, for a moment. I held my head in my hands and curled up against the wall I had fallen. I'm not sure how long I sat there. I vaguely registered the passing of morning to night, and back. I remember placing the do not disturb sign on my door and returning to my pain. Everything passed behind my eyes with blinding speed. A remembered laugh, smile, kiss, trips to the meadow, hearing her voice, telling her I loved her and hearing her return the statement, the stuttering of her heart whenever I touched her, her soft mumbling as she slept. Every part of my being was screaming out for her. After a while I reached for my phone to check the date and time. I noticed the missed calls that flashed across the screen. 38 from Tanya who ignored, and one from Alice. I hadn't visited when I was in Alaska, I was just passing when I took off for London and they hadn't seen me in months. I listened to Alice's voice begging me to come home, her sadness and anguish apparent in every syllable she uttered. I dialed the house number and heard the click as someone picked up the line.

"Hello?" Jasper's voiced asked. I didn't want to but I winced a bit at his voice. I could hear all the pain I was putting my family through.

"Jasper? It's Edward." I tried to keep my voice neutral and emotionless just so he wouldn't hear all the pain I was in.

"Hey Edward, what's up?" I could tell he was trying to keep the conversation light and moving.

"I'm coming ho-…to the house. I'll be there in 12 hours tops." I lost my control and my voice let the pain show through.

"That's great Edward, Esme will be thrilled."

"Yeah sure" I mumbled. I felt bad for hurting my family but it was just too hard to be around people for to long.

"How have you been?" Jasper asked hesitantly. I felt my breath leave me and my façade fell.

"Dead Jasper, hurting, lonely, and dead is how I've been." My voice was cold and hard. How did he think I've been? Did I act like I was on a vacation or something?

"I'm sorry Edward…so, so sorry." I heard the guilt and double meaning in his words but I was far to gone to share any empathy for anyone right now.

"I know Jasper. I'm sorry too, sorry I'm alive." I hung up then unable to control the emotion in my voice much longer. I sat back in agony and looked outside. I would leave in an hour…but for now I sat back and let the pain take me. Would this ever get any easier? Or would her voice reside forever in my head, aggravating the worst pain I have ever endured in my entire life?

**Yet another depressing chapter…I swear this story is gonna make me go all emo! Ahhhh! Well the title HER VOICE RESIDES by Bullet for My Valentine relates to how even though Edward was so determined to say goodbye to Bella he is still hurting and wishing she was there with him.**


	5. Chapter Four: Who Knew

so sorry my amazing readers! i have like no real excuse for updating other than plain lazyness! kill me if you wish (but thats more chappie's you'll miss! :) sorry i love you all! keep reading! i have a lot more prewritten now so updates will come faster! and things are about to get really moving!

btw dont own it! TEAR!!

* * *

**WHO KNEW**

_**If someone said 3 years from now you'd be long gone**_

_**I'd stand up and punch them out 'cause their all wrong**_

_**The last kiss I'll cherish, until we meet again**_

_**and time makes it harder, i wish i could remember**_

_**but i keep your memories, you visit me in my sleep**_

_**my darlin' i miss you**_

_**who knew?**_

**Who Knew:PINK**

* * *

The steady rhythm of the paws pounding beneath me began to slow and I slowly pulled my face away from where I had it buried in Jacob's neck

The steady rhythm of the paws pounding beneath me began to slow and I slowly pulled my face away from where I had it buried in Jacob's neck. The tear tracks so evident on my face. I looked forward and saw most everyone from the pack, including Emily and Billy waiting. Jake must have let the others know. I wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment. Really did the WHOLE pack have to see me like this? Ugh. I felt jake come to a gentle stop and strong arms pulled me from my vice like grip around him. I looked up to see the broad grinning face of Embry smiling down at me. He must have shifted back before we arrived.

"Think you can stand Bells?" his voice was soft and welcoming. I couldn't help but smile back at his caring face. I felt the corners of my mouth curve into the sad excuse I call my smile now. But Embry just grinned wider and I whispered back.

"Yes Embry, I can stand. Thank you." He smiled back at me again and gently set me on my feet, holding onto my shoulders until he was sure I had my balance. I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and heard Jacobs's deep voice next to me.

"Well hello EVERYBODY I was pretty sure we were just supposed to talk with Sam but whatever." He joked.

Emily smiled at him and looked at me with warmth and a mother like caring.

"We wanted to make sure our Bella was ok of course." She said softly.

I shifted warmed by the love in her comment. Jake smiled and started to lead me into his house. He threw himself none to gracefully onto the couch, pulling me next to him. I let out a breath of air as I hit the cushion and gave him a little glare to which he smiled and shrugged. Putting his arm around me he pulled me closer, and wanting for comfort I curled into his embrace. Just for a moment it warmed the chill of my sadness and let my wounds stop stinging. For a moment I felt cared for and protected. I watched as the pack tried to fit into the small house, the sight was so comical that I couldn't fight the urge to laugh. Jacob jumped in surprise at the unfamiliar sound. I hadn't laugh in a year. Not even the fakest of giggles. It felt refreshing almost. That second of near happiness. Jacob smiled so widely I was sure his face was about to split. His eyes filled with surprise and hope.  
"What's so funny?" he asked.

Just how completely tiny I feel with all of you in this little room." Jake laughed

"Well you are pretty tiny" I smile again and turned to look up at Sam who was trying to get all the wolves settled down.

As all eyes turned on me I shifted nevously in my seat.

"Bella?" My eyes snapped to Sam who, though his voice softened slightly, addressed me in a tone that obviously meant business.  
"Yes Sam?"  
"We need you to tell us what happened. And most specifically when. We need to know where she found the holes in our defense." My eyes closed and I let out a sigh.

"Well I had just finished cooking dinner and was about to eat. I'd say it was maybe 5:30 so I'm sure Jake was just getting there. Anyway I glanced outside and I saw…Victoria on the window pane sneering at me. When I made eye contact she just winked and took off." I looked up at Sam. "so I ran out and called Jake and well yeah…"

Sam sighed. "So how did she slip past us without our noticing…?"

Jake shifted. "I should take Bella home before Charlie gets home Sam. OK?"

"Yeah…Take care Bella and don't worry." He grinned at me. As I left similar sentiments were whispered to me.

Jacob smiled proudly as we jumped into the rabbit he had just finished a few days ago and was immensly proud of his handiwork. As we drove quietly back to Forks i contemplated what Laurent had said to me the first time i visited 'our meadow'. and i wondered why, if Victoria would still want me, if it was obvious Edward left me? If he no longer loved me why would he care about my death? I felt a large hand encase mine.

"Bella?" Jacob's voice pulled me form my thoughts.

"yeah Jake?"

"I just wanted to say even though you know its been pretty hard lately...it was really great to see you smile Bells. I-I think your getting better." He grinned hesitatnly gauging my reaction.

I started at him my eyes surprised. Oh if he only knew i was just getting worse. Just cutting more often, cutting deeper. I forced another half smile, I couldn't let him be suspicious.

"I think so too Jake"

"Really?" his face lit up and i felt my heart twist. My poor Jacob, my best friend. but if he found out. I would only hurt him more. His smile spread across his face.

"Thats really great to hear Bells." I half smiled again.

"It is Isn't it?" I went to get out of the car. I unbuckled my seat belt and as i reached for the handle I turned to say goodbye. But my words had no chance to leave my mouth. Jacob pulled me into him, kissing my lips more softly than I thought was possible for him. he brushed my lips slowly, as if painting his emotions gently on to my mouth, hesitantly so i could read them. His warm hand slolwly carrassed the back of my neck, tracing circles that burned into my skin, pulling me closer. For a moment, I could only focus on the power of his kiss. Until teh tremor in my heart shook my core, forcing me back to my cold reality and i realized who i was with. I pulled away sharply.

"I cant."

Jacob looked at me, my arms desperatly trying to pull myself togehter, my hair sheilding myself away and anger clouded his warm eyes.

"You CAN Bella! It's been nearly a year! why can't you see that i love you!?Why does he have such a hold on you?"

"Jake, you don't understand! He's my everything! Always will be! No matter what i meant to him, he will always mean everything to me. I can't love you that way Jake, I'm sorry.

Jake's eyes filled with pain. "Am i not good enough for you Bella? Why do you prefer the cold to the heat? Stone to flesh? Night to day? why do you prefer the dead to the living? Why don't you love ME?!"

He pulled me agaisnt him grasping me tightly. His mouth pushed roughly, passionalty onto mine, his hand branding heat into my skin, weaving roughly into my hair. And for a few minutes as his tongue pushed sensually into my mouth, brazenly moving in an out in a infuriatingly wonderful manner I forgot why I couldnn't be with Jacob. I had never been kissed with such reckless abandon, with such a stimulating drive into my mouth. and my body responded, pulling Jake in closer, moving my tongue roughly agaisnt his in desperation to be closer, tasting him and drawing an animal hunger into my system for more. moving my body with his in a sinfully delicous manner, wanting more than I thought i could, biting softly onto his lips, hearing the soft, exhilerating moan it elicited. But I found myself wishing...wishing the burning heat was replaced with bone chilling cold, to feel the stony perfection beneath my fingers, and the silky bronze strands laced in my fingers. For the cool long fingers to wander recklessly repalcing the heat i felt, to hear the musical voice moan my name as his mouth worked magic on mine. And I broke. My heart had been healing before, but now a dangerous fault cracked through me as i realized no matter what i had i would always want him. I pulled away gasping, tears falling down my face.

"Jake, its not that i don't love you...that your not good enough. Its because I'm not whole enought to love you like you deserve Jake, I'm not good enough to love." The words rang so true, as i understood why i was destined to be alone in my life. I fled into the house knowing he wouldn't follow, wanting nothing more than to feel the icy comfort of a razor slicing my flaws upon my arms.

* * *

so the song "WHO KNEW" by Pink relates becuse by the end of the chapter Bella realizes that no matter what she will always want and vividly remember her love for Edward.

yes its sad i know but every bit of this is crucial to the plot. and remember this is a FANFIC so if my characters are out of character its supposed to be that way! love ya!!


	6. Chapter Five: Here Without You

Chapter 5

**_Here Without You_**

**_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl its only you and me_**

* * *

I stood once again in the cold Alaskan wild, this time staring upon a gorgeous mansion, modeled to resemble an old style cabin, with more extravagant edge. Nestled under the soft gray sky line, almost blending in with the rich wood and deep green of the trees surrounding it. I listened to the minds of my family, gauging the reaction I was going to get when I entered.

I heard Rosalie, her thoughts hostile and unfocused as she tinkered with her car, angry for the trouble I was causing everyone, and however expected, her thoughts still stung. I tuned into her mate, Emmett and was shocked to hear the melancholy tone of his thoughts, he was upset Rosalie was down, and he wished I was here…He missed Bella. I heard Carlisle greed me softly, asking me to come in, and soothe the worries that were plaguing Esme. My poor mothers thoughts were speeding in a thousand different directions, mostly focused on me and Bella. Most of Alice's thoughts were screaming at me to come inside already, and wising Jasper would let her come outside to meet me.

And then, I turned my attention to Jasper, whose thoughts I dreaded the most. I almost didn't want to hear but I listened, and smiled at the current thoughts at the forefront of his mind. He mussed over how he had married into complete insanity, at the same time finding a joy in Alice's rare excitement. That got me, excitement was never rare for Alice, now she didn't smile as much, or ever really, this was my fault. I heard Jasper trying to make Alice wait for me to come in at my own pace, and I appreciated it. I sighed, it was hard for me to realize how much pain I was really causing my family.

I took a deep breath, just to prepare myself for the entrance back into my family life, and slowly walked at a human pace to the door, and raised my hand to knock. I heard Jasper's quick warning and jumped away as Alice leaped out the door at me and into my arms.

"Edward!! Your home! I'm so happy! How are you? Are you ok? How long are you staying! Please stay! I missed you!"

I looked at my sister incredulously, even with my hearing and mind reading I didn't catch all of that. I hugged her back hesitantly, not wanting to get to close, I couldn't stand, as sad as it is, to be around my family. It reminded far to much of Bella, and how much she is still apart of this family, no matter how much I try to push her away. I had barely pulled myself from Alice's death grip upon me before Esme rushed up to me, hugging me and sobbing tearlessly as she told me how happy she was that I was here, how much she had missed me. I pulled away eventually, my dead heart aching from all the pain I was causing my family. Emmet approached but his usual grin lacked some of its strength and you could see faint lines of worry tracing his forehead, why he was so worried became evident as rose stomped into the room throwing me a dirty look as she headed up the stairs.

"Finally decided to resurface Edward?" She asked nastily "I'm sure you had to get bored of sulking sometime, now you get to come and ruin everyone else's existence right? With all the moping?" She flew gracefully upstairs her thoughts screaming that I had brought so much unhappiness and discontent to our family. I winced, because she was right. Alice grabbed my arm before I had the chance to dart away, "we are happier when you are here."

Jasper stepped next to her, his presence pushed a calming effect on me and I relaxed unknowingly in Alice's grip.

"I can see your thoughts you know, and whether im gone or not you are all unhappy, and its still all my fault."

Carlisle appeared downstairs,

"we missed you Edward, please do us the small favor of staying for a while, we really do want our family together."

I stood amongst my family, their eyes pleading with me to stay, and I knew I couldn't disappoint them, after all I had already done, I could give them this. Even if it hurt me to be around the loving glances between couples and disappointed, hurt, or angry thoughts, I had to stay.

Alice smiled as she saw my decision and hugged me again.

"Yeah! I knew you'd stay!"

I gave a small grin, "of course you did."

Esme smiled at me and her thoughts told me she already had my room ready, it was the basically the entire top floor to myself, a loft. So I grinned softly, at my family, but from their thoughts I noticed that I wasn't fooling them, I saw the picture of my pathetic smile, the dark circles from two hungers, one for blood and one for Bella, and the haunting darkness, the aching pain, the echoing heart break in my eyes, I needed to get away from all the pity, and the hurt and I nodded at my family before fleeing up the stairs.

* * *

As I burst into my room, I noticed how awful it felt to be home. Looking round the room, everything reminded me of Bella. The Piano reminded me of when I first brought her home and how her aww was so evident on her face as I played. The room itself bone white and a lined, accented with a warm chocolate brown, which in itself was set of lightly by a topaz and golden fibers into the fabrics. It reminded me so much of Bella, and her warm brown eyes, it was as if it was designed for me and Bella to live together in, the set up reminded me of how Bella would have liked it. I sighed, no matter where I was I couldn't escape the clawing need for her.

"Edward?" Jasper's voice was soft and hesitant, tasting my grief and pain in the air as he entered, I read the intent in his thoughts and allowed him to enter. Better sooner than later.

" well I, I'm sure you know why I'm here. He came to stand next to where I was sitting. Leaning against the chocolate couch pushed against the wall I looked up, at him and noted how irritating it was to feel like a little kid. Jasper noting my emotions sat fluidly next to me. This was so high school, so human that I was just able to find the humor.

"Edward, I need to let you know how sorry I am. How much I hate myself for causing this, all of it, for hurting Bella, and tearing you apart, Edward I can't even begin to tell you how much I truly loathe myself." Jasper said softly, sadly, his voice pained, broken, the guilt leaking through every word.

"God Jazz, you think I blame you? Really? This is my fault! I always deep down knew we would never have a future. I endangered her every second, you…your just being you, and you reacted like most would. Its me, and no matter how much anyone could try and say other wise, I was the one who put her in danger. Its best we left when we did, before she could grow more attached. I knew I would leave someday, and it soon enough that she can still find herself a life."

Jasper growled at me softly, "Edward you know that isn't true don't you? Alice, on accident, has seen her and she is so broken Edward, more than even you." I winced as I thought of her. And Jasper knew how close I was to flying apart.

"you need her" he whispered.

And I broke, hunching forward and gasping as if there was a fire burning a fire inside of me and obliterating all of myself. Jasper placed his arms around me in a brotherly embrace and tried to calm the atmosphere as I more or less leaned back into the couch and let the pain destroy whatever I had built up so far. letting the daggers of regret, and the sting of want damage me. I let the pain take me as I knew how true it was, how much I needed my angel.

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SO hey guys! sorry i took so long to update, i was on a major grounding! still am but im sneaking around now! lol. anyway the title Here Without by Three Days Grace is about Edward Still missing Bella and how much he cant get her off his mind. well plz review, it helps me improve! and update faster wink


	7. Chapter Six: What Hurts The Most

LOL ok so you all prolly hate me cause I take so long to update, but I do have legit reason. I am totally grounded right now so I am sneaking on every time I got to update, and it's a little difficult. But good news is I have like 5 chapters prewritten in my notebook, so when I sneak on I'm just typing what I already have! Woot! Anyway I'm going to try and get my chapters out faster for yah! K? alrighty here it is my lovely readers!

DISCLAIMER- none of the characters are mine…SAD!

* * *

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

Never knowing what could have been

And not seeing that loving you is what I was supposed to do

* * *

Jacob's POV

I tried, not to explode from the pain I was living in. I couldn't handle the ache that had been pounding in my heart since Bella pulled away from our kiss. The pain evident in her eyes when she seemed to come to a realization that was far from true, that she was not good enough for me. I couldn't even fathom how much pain she had to be in, to so adamantly believe that she was so worthless to me. That damn bloodsucker. Why did he have to do this to her? He broke to pieces such a precious jewel that it seems was far to shattered for me to piece back together. I wanted so bad to help Bella. But she…didn't want me. Oh how I wanted her, how I dreamed of running my hands in her silky hair, and pressing my lips to the ruby red cushion of her lips. I fantasized about feeling her satin skin against mine, her body moving with mine, feeling the tremors of her body around my--

"_Damn it Jacob stop it!" _Quill's voice reverberated in my mind pushing away my thoughts of Bella.

" _I don't care how much you love her, those are things I never need to think about"_

I choked a little, thinking of how much Quill and the others had heard oops.

"_Oops is right, poor Embry, he took off running so he could get far enough to try and not hear you, didn't work." _Quill joked.

"_Damn Jacob you sure have a vivid imagination" _Paul teased _"not that I mind" _

I growled softly, how dare he? _"Shut Up Paul!"_

"_Oh don't get your panties in a twist Jacob, I would never take a bloodsuckers leftovers" _Paul voiced maliciously. I growled in anger, but Quill jumped in before I could do anything rash.

"_It's ok Jake, we all know Paul is just jealous because he has a crush on Bella"_

"_DO NOT" _

"_Paul you had similar fantasies after you saw Bella the first time you even met her, and to be truthful, they were way more vivid…and disturbing."_

"_Not making me feel better Quill." _I thought

"_Sorry"_

" _I DID NOT FANTISIZE ABOUT THE SWAN GIRL!"_

"_DID TOO"_

"_DID NOT"_

"_DID SO!"_

"_You did too Paul" _Sam's voice entered the argument, his tone light and teasing.

"_Ugh you all hate me don't you?" _Paul pouted

"_Yeah pretty much" _I half teased

"_Oh shut up" _

"_Play nice kids…Jacob your shifts over, Embry is going to be over to relieve you in a minute. Then you can leave." _Sam thought to them.  
I nodded his head and waited patiently for Embry to appear. I heard Embry muttering something about inappropriate fantasies on duty before he came into view.

"_Hey Jake."_

"_Hey Embry, sorry about earlier, won't happen again." _I shuffled my paws sheepishly.

"_Yes it will, just tone it down ok? I see Bella as too much of a sister to think of her like that."_

"_Will do, see ya later Embry!" _

* * *

I took off into the wood running I really began to think about the relationship between myself and Bella, and as I thought I couldn't think of any other way to be with Bella, than to be her lover. I loved her so deeply it was all I had inside of me, every fiber of my being screamed Bella. And it was the hardest to ignore that call. Every time I saw her I wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. But that unfortunately was something I couldn't do. She was still so hung up on that god damn Cullen. Ahhhh! It drove me so mad. And just when she had been getting better, the damn anniversary of his leaving rolls around. Its tomorrow and I just know it's going to tear her apart. I just know it. God, and until she lets go of him, not a part of her can belong to me..Can it?

"She did kiss me back" I thought

I shifted into a human and pulled on the jeans wrapped around my leg.

"She responded…maybe that is all she needs…me? Just a push?" I muttered. God how I wanted her then. I looked up at her window from my spot in the trees, I saw her toss her backpack on her bed and head down the stairs. She was so beautiful; I leaned against the trees and watched her in her little home, invisible, in more ways than one.

* * *

OK so I think I have this wonderfully awful trend of ending my chapters with a depressing last say. Hmmm nice. I might be a little emo! Lol anyway this chapters song was "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts (not the crap version that casacada killed the song with) and it pertains to how Jacob feels, and how its killing him inside to know that Bella may never realize how much and how deeply he loves her. Yeah sad I know.

Well reviews would be wonderful! This is going to be a long story and I'm really hoping to improve as time goes on but I can only do that if I get some feedback, so hope you review!!


	8. Chapter Seven: Over and Over

Kk, back again! Woot here is the next chappie! Im trying so so so hard to get these out to you guys! But I do have to warn you, November may come with little to no updates cause im doing NaNo. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about NaNo is national novel writing month, where I have one month to write a full length original novel! So im going to try my best to keep up but you may be left alone for a bit! Sorry!

Disclaimer: I don't own steph's characters…damn

* * *

**_So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head  
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead  
I know what's best for me  
But I want you instead  
I'll keep on wasting all my time_**

**_Over and over, over and over  
I fall for you  
Over and over, over and over  
I try not to  
Over and over, over and over  
You make me fall for you  
Over and over, over and over  
You don't even try to_**

**Over and Over**

**_Three Days Grace_**

* * *

I looked as the sun rose over the horizon, a bright light shining on my darkest day. I could hear the thoughts of my family, quietly thinking of me. Their agreement to leave me be today. They would all go hunting and leave me to my sorrow. I was glad. I didn't want them to witness my breakdown. Not again. I lifted myself off the couch I had resigned myself to as I thought of Bella continuously the previous night. My fingers softly brushed over my piano, and the melody came into my head and my fingers began to pay of their own accord. The expensive recording equipment hooked up to my piano clicked as the song was made into a cd as I played. No mistakes, not one sound out of place. The song filled the room, melancholy and sad. A new rendition of the lullaby, but with a sinister and agony filled background. Regret was ringing in every key stroke, love flowed into the ebony and ivory keys and onto that cd. I felt the breaking of my heart. Is that possible? I still wonder, if even though I'm dead I could still die of a broken heart? I think I could. I heard the soft sigh as Alice cried. I let the song find its own ending, incomplete and broken, a dying call. Just as me and Bella ended.

"we-we're leaving Edward" she thought to me.

"goodbye Alice, have fun" the words were hollow and dead, my voice emotionless and almost cold.

"Bye Edward" I heard the door shut as my family ran out of the house and to their cars, they were going on a camping trip, more than a hunting trip, Emmett insisted they do it like human. So they all rode away at top speeds, their thoughts fading away from me.

I stared at the sun, glaring so brightly at me, and leaving an unwanted hope for brightness, when I knew without Bella there would be no such thing. I leaned against the piano and played. I didn't think of anything but, really a timeline of mine and Bella's relationship. Every memory burned so sweetly in my mind. I didn't want to remember, but I never wanted to forget anything about her. Her kiss and smiles, hugs and laugh, her sweetness and her love. The love I never deserved. I remembered the meadow, where we declared, well myself mostly our love. I remembered the adoration in her eyes instead of fear, her bravery…so recklessly brave. I thought of that first night with her in my arms, how complete I felt. Her warmth against me, so warm. The melody softened in these beautiful memories of days spent with Bella. Days of pure bliss. And then I thought of James, and her near death, how careless I had been. Oh my poor Bella so battered and bruised on that floor. The wood turning crimson with blood, the mirrors bursting with the vibrant color and reflecting it everywhere, I remembered so well. I thought of her first prom, how much she wanted to be one of us. Just like me. Her birthday, how incredibly stubborn she was about her gifts. That night, that made me realize how much I would always hurt her. Which led to this day, one year ago, I had left my angel, breaking her wings, so she could not follow. And how easily, how easily she believed I didn't love her. Maybe she never expected a monster like me to truly love? I stopped. The recording began playing back and I listened, the happy and loving, the angry and afraid, and the sad and alone all woven into a progressive melody, following the tales of my misery.

* * *

I stepped away. My heart tearing apart, I ran, ran and stumbled across a meadow. It looked like ours, but whiter. With the beautiful rainbows bouncing off the ice. I sobbed and screamed for bella. The sun was falling as tore myself apart emotionally. Dying so much inside it was a wonder I could still function. God, I was dying so painfully. So hurt. So hurt. I screamed needing to realease the pain nawing at me. I dragged my teeth across the insides of my arm, the stinging let me clear my head, and for a moment the emotional agony was gone as the skin knitted up. I looked at my arm in wonder. This was my escape. I bit at my arms, satisfied to see the torn flesh and feel the physical agony as my venom cut through the skin. I was colder than ever, and I don't think I was happier since I left bella. I had found my escape. The physical pain left me gasping, but I was no longer dying with longing for my angel, and that was all I could ever ask for.

* * *

Oooh Edwards a cutter! Ha you so all hate me huh? Whatever I love some teen angst. Its great. Well, im kinda sure the lyrics are self explanatory. Don't you just love them? I do. Well love that you are all still reading. I would love you even more if you reviewed! 


	9. Chapter Eight: No Air

**Lol I hope you guys are all enjoying the angst! Heres some more!!!!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight-not mine**

* * *

_**No Air**_

_**If I should die before I wake**__**  
**__**It's cause you took my breath away**__**  
**__**Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh**____**But how**__**  
**__**Do you expect me, to live alone with just me?**__**  
**__**'Cause my world revolves around you**__**  
**__**It's so hard for me to breathe**_

_**  
**__**Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?**__**  
**__**Can't live, can't breathe with no air**__**  
**__**That's how I feel whenever you ain't there**__**  
**__**There's no air, no air**__**  
**__**Got me out here in the water so deep**__**  
**__**Tell me how you gon live without me?**__**  
**__**If you ain't here, I just can't breathe**__**  
**__**There's no air, no air**_

_**Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown**_

* * *

I lay awake in my bed…it was a Monday, and I was supposed to be in school, but I told Charlie I was sick. I don't think I could handle school right now. I rolled over and looked at my clock. 10:00AM. I had been laying here staring at my ceiling for 4 hours now…ever since I woke up at six…and remembered so vividly that this was the day when all hell broke loose upon my world and sun hid forever from my life. When air was too thick to breathe without his scent and warmth was lost to my skin, as I chilled myself in attempt to feel the sad mimicry of the cool caress of his touch. I stood slowly and looked across the room, even tidy and devoid of personality, every inch reminded me of him. I winced as I glanced to the corner of my room, where I knew the rocking chair rested. It held too much in my heart to get rid of. As did the box of things I had that reminded me very, very vividly of Edward. What little relics he never managed to destroy. The wrist band from the hospital when he saved me from the car, a menu from that little Italian place, my prom dress and pictures…I guess he forgot those...it probably wasn't very important to him no matter how he insisted on going. Just…just some way to pass the time, I was never expecting to be worth much anyway….The plane tickets to Florida and the stereo I had viciously ripped , remembering…. I nearly crumbled to the floor as I thought of that first night, after that wondrous day in the meadow, when I had woken up to find an angel waiting for me. Oh bliss. But now I awoke to a cold emptiness that tore so constantly at me, it was hard to imagine I had ever enjoyed living. Slipping into the bathroom, I began my routine preparations for a shower; cold water, a towel, a few gauze bandages, soap, razor, clothes. I was set. I always kept that little razor handy, memories would hit me at the oddest times, and today I was so prepared for those memories to resurface constantly. Even just during a simple shower. But today nothing happened. My shower was quick and thorough and my mind mechanical and blank. Toweling my hair I leaned against the counter, and due to my expected balance dysfunction, slipped. The fall was glorious in the way that I knew for once, I might be able to actually hit the ground, because then I might relearn how to get back up. Hitting the tile floor was delicious, the pain a dull throb, but it was the first time that no one reached for me, or pulled me up. And I reveled in the small independence. Maybe I could learn to pick myself up…or so I thought…until I glanced behind me and saw the drawing I had made of Edward so long ago still taped to my mirror. Just a little bit of a reminder of what a god he was, I drew it one day, just to make sure that if my memories faded I would never let him go away. But it was hell to look at now, in this moment, on this day…And god I swear I lost all the fight again and stayed on the cool floor. The drawing, in my opinion, gave Edward no justice, but nothing but seeing him in real life could ever compare. Everything dulled without his presence. It was like I had a filter lying across my sight and all beauty had been sucked out of my world. No color was bright enough, not texture felt real enough and I was dying in a world of agonizing dullness that could only be improved by his presence. The one I longed for but would never again have the privilege of receiving again. After I'm not sure how long I rose and continued to dress. Pulling on a long black sweater and black jeans, Ha how far I had fallen from the sunny clothes of phoenix or the soft gold's that reminded me so much of Edward's eyes. I wanted so badly to gaze again into those beautiful topaz eyes. I jumped as the shrill ring of the telephone, and made my way slowly down the stairs. Picking up I heard static crinkle against my ear.

"Bella?"

"Hi Charlie, whats up" my voice was so quiet and dull that there was no way he could doubt I was sick. Though if he figured it was an illness of the heart I would not know.

"There's an emergency out in Seattle with our major banking account. I'm going down tonight and staying the night to keep my 8:00 am appointment tomorrow, so I should be back around dinner tomorrow if not later"

"Ok Charlie, see you soon"

"Love you bells"

"You too"

The line fell dead and I nearly smiled, a whole day to my own misery. I glanced out to the woods, and there was this longing to bring myself into those woods, to find my meadow, and spend a day pretending he still loved me. Slice out my pain and pretend joy would eventually come, it worked before, but this time, maybe I could find something in that stinging emptiness. Something to pull me back to reality. I slipped out of my house and into my large red truck, driving the familiar path, and feeling the comforting cool of the razors in my pocket. I reached over to check if I had my gauze, no use in killing myself…yet. As I pulled into the entrance of the forest I remembered flashes of our first visit. How in awe I had been of Edward. I trekked forward until by some chance for the first time since he left I found that glorious meadow. Lying in the grass I inhaled the smell of fall around me. And all of it hit me just as I knew it would. The memories moving at a near blinding pace, tearing at my heart with the fury of a storm and tossing away my will faster than a vampire could even dream. And I pulled out my razor, wanting to forget, yet loving every second of remembering. Masochistic I know, but this is all I have. Slicing into the skin on my arms I sighed, beautiful. Slicing furiously once again I felt the emptiness and I loved it. Pressing my fingers into the open wounds, aggravating them and causing a warm gush of blood to fall more quickly down my arms, it was magical.

"no, Bella…not this please bells o god" the voice whispered, pain lacing every word.

That was not Edwards voice…

I turned to Jacob as he shivered and wrapped his body around mine.

"Why Bella?"

"It's the only time I don't think of him, im to consumed to hurt. "

He looked at me. Oddly. Lustfully, hopefully.

"If I told you I could find you a distraction much more effective, would you stop?"

"If it was good enough" doubtful.

He rammed his mouth into mine, so roughly I almost screamed with a mixture of terror and pleasure.

"Love me, it would be much more time consuming, and pretty effective at grabbing your attention." He bit down on my lip and my knees crumpled forward. This numbing one track feeling was making me think of only the man who was sucking my tongue so sexually in his mouth, I don't know if it was possible to refuse. I leaned away.

"Not here." I gasped

* * *

**Haha I left you with a killer cliffie! Woot you love me !**


	10. Chapter Nine: Cut

**HEY! Sorry it's been so long since I updated! I was totally absorbed with my NaNo Story!!!! But I'm back and I'm planning on some major writing so I hope you guys enjoy**

**A side note, this chapter does have sexual content so you have been warned**

**And no hate notes! This is all crucial to a bigger plot—so don't hate but I do appreciate CONSTRUCTIVE criticism! Thanks!**

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DISCLAIMER: Bella and Jacob and Charlies house as well as the meadow...ooh and edward belong to steph...but...the characterization and plot and crazy plot twists are ALL MINE LOL

* * *

_I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore_

__

A fragile flame aged  
Is misery  
And when our hearts meet  
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut

_I may seem crazy  
Or painfully shy  
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden  
If you would just look me in the eye  
I feel alone here and cold here  
Though I don't want to die  
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside_

**PLUMB "CUT"**

* * *

"Not here." I pulled gasping and trying to slow my heart I elaborated. "Don't ask that of me here, not in our place, not in our meadow, I can't…I can't handle that Jake."

The tears began to well again, my deserved so much better than the shattered heart that barely has the ability to love. He deserves so much more than I could ever give him. I pulled back to look at his eyes, that were boring into me. I wish he was gone, the urge, the need to feel the delicious sensation of the cool metal in my wrists. He could see that I think, because I saw the panic appear in his eyes.

"I should go Jake." I whispered and made to turn away.

"Why so you can go slice open your arms?" his voice was angry and hard.

"yeah." I answered and tried to walk away. _Tried_ being the operative word, because as soon as I stepped away Jacob growled and yanked me back.  
"Jacob let me go." My voice was dull, and hard, and cold.

"No Bella…I'm never gonna let you go. I care to damn much." He said as he slung me over his shoulder.

"Where are you taking me Jake?!" my voice was panicked now. What was he doing?!

"I'm taking you home."

"YOUR HOME?!" now I was angry, he can't just tote me around to wherever he wanted!

"No yours, and when we get there you are going to explain to me how you can justify hurting yourself like this." His voice was angry and pained at the same time. I winced. I was causing more pain to my Jacob.

I must have zoned, because it didn't seem to long before I was dropped very unceremoniously on my couch.

"Talk."

I looked at him and saw just how hurt he was, his eyes were red and small tracks lined his face, but beneath the sadness there was anger, burning anger and frustration.

"About what Jake? Would you like me to tell you how torn up I am? Would you like to hear about my nightmares and the daily pain I feel? Do you really want to understand how broken I am, when I know you want to believe I'm better? I don't think you do. You won't want to hear the pain, or the addiction and seduction of the numbness and clarity that I find from that razor, when I can still hear him telling me to stop, and when I pretend he still cares. I can't find it anywhere Jake, There is no forgetting, no real distractions, just something to make it a little better, it's how I cope, it's what I NEED." My tirade was long and painful for both of us. He was still tense and his eyes were full of tears.

"Nothing else huh? Not my friendship or my love?"

I felt my heart, already shattered break some more, I am crushed into fine slivers piercing and aggravating my opened wounds.

"Oh god Jake you don't know how I wish it was enough. I wish I could love you…I do love you Jake, but it won't be enough to fix me. And it won't be half as much as you deserve. Jake, I want to love you and to forget, but I don't want to let go…it's like…I can't explain it, it's like being in a withdrawal from the strongest drug, and there's no hope of me ever coming out of rehab."

I sunk into myself cradling tighter and rocking into the ocean of pain engulfing me.

"Bella, you don't try to let go…you don't try to let yourself love me." He pulled my face up to look in his eyes.

"When I kiss you, half of you wants to kiss back, and the other half is pulling you away. Stop fighting, and let the other half have her way." He leaned in and kissed me again, slow and soft, and I felt it, what he meant. I felt the pull of both sides, and I could see the outcome of each decision. If I let him kiss me, love me, gave everything to him right now, maybe I would finally let go and be in the light again, but if I pulled away, I would just be causing pain to the both of us. And it felt so good, it was easier not to think of Edward, as the kiss grew in intensity I felt my pain being burned by the warmth that surrounded me, and I wanted more, So much more of this antiseptic. I wanted all of Jacob, right then, because I wanted so bad to feel everything I could. I didn't know how much longer this feeling would last, and I wanted to cling to it. So I deepened the kiss. I pulled myself flush against Jacob and let my body mold to every plane of the sharply toned muscle. He pulled me into him even more and pushed my shoulders back to the cushion of the couch. I know I never planned to stop, I would go anywhere, do anything with him in this moment, because it was the first time in a long time I felt whole.

"Wait." Jacob pulled away and looked at me, his eyes dark with lust.

"What?" I asked trying to pull him closer.

"I…I think we might have to stop." He looked sheepish as he said this.

"Why?" I ran my fingers across his hard muscle absentmindedly.

His hands covered mine suddenly, pinning them above my head and he leaned closer his lips inches from mine.  
"Because if we don't stop now, I won't be able to stop later."

"That's ok."

He eyed me warily. "You sure? Bella you were just crying your eyes out a moment ago about another guy!"

I pulled him closer, my antiseptic was wearing off and I needed another dose.

" Jacob, I haven't felt this whole in the longest time, not even when I cut. I want to keep that, I want you to stay with me and make me feel whole. Please Jake"

"What so I can be your new drug? Your new knife?"

"Yeah…and so you can help me remember how to love."

"Did you forget so easily?"

"I did, but it wasn't easy…"

His lips crushed into mine and he released my hands to carress my hips.

"Only if your sure Bella"

"I am"

He shifted and his hands slipped up under my shirt teasing my navel, it was driving me wild, but what made me raving mad was when he stopped and pulled away, his eyes wide.

"Wait! What if Charlie comes home?"

"He won't, he's in the city for the night and tomorrow." I smiled with him as he grinned and slipped his hands under my shirt again.

"What do you think about relocation?" he smiled and jerked his head to the stairs.

"I think it's a great plan."

He swept me up into his arms, still kissing me and sprinted up the stairs, in a few seconds I was being pushed down into my mattress, his mouth working frantically across mine.

I shivered as he pulled my shirt up over my head and threw it on the floor; he was never wearing a shirt so I had easy access to his toned chest and stomache. His warm skin pressed into mine as his fingers toyed with my bra. I moved my lips to his neck, sucking softly on his pulse point. He growled. I guess he liked that, so I sucked harder.

"If you keep doing that I won't be able to control myself at all Bells."

"No Control then Jacob." and I bit down on his neck lightly.

His hands found the clasp of my bra and jerked it off quickly. His hands glided over my breasts and caressed them softly. I gasped moving into his hands, arching my back. He leaned his head down and took one of the hardened buds into his mouth, swirling his tongue around in tiny circles. I threw my head back in ecstasy. He laughed against me, making me gasp in surprise. Pulling his face to mine by his hair I kissed him hungrily. He recuperated enthusiastically as his hands tugged on the button of my jeans. I reached my hands down to help. Suddenly he stopped and pulled my wrists to his face, his eyes wide. I looked at him sadly as he stared at the torn skin there. Kissing every scar softly he hugged me closer.

"God Bells."

"I know Jake, I know." He pulled me closer and kissed me.

"Can you really let him go Bella? Will you really love me?"

"I will really try with everything I have Jake, everything."

"Ok"

And he continued to kiss me slowly, softly, sweetly. But before long, it turned hungry, demanding. I groaned into his mouth, the fire burning in my veins, the animal need.

"Jake hurry the hell up."

He laughed and pulled down my jeans completely, he smiled as he kicked off his shorts and the only thing left between us was my underwear.

He glanced at me, his eyes asking permission. So I kissed him. I'm sure I got my point across, because I felt him nearly immediately tug off my panties. I smiled into the kiss when I felt him against me. Moving my hips against him I moaned in my need. But he pulled away. Confused I jerked my mouth from his and looked at him; confused. He smiled, his whole mouth full of flashing white teeth and let his hand travel down into my most secret place. I gasped as he touched me, never having felt anything like it. Moving against him I sought to relive the ache beginning to build in my lower body. He gently pulled out and positioned himself over me, his black eyes searching mine for any doubt, he didn't find any and as he softly moved himself into me he whispered…

"I love you Bells."

I looked at him and saw his warm black eyes full of the love he claimed to me.

"I'm going to love you Jake, I promise"

He smiled and then frowned…

"This is supposed to hurt I guess…I'm sorry." He whispered as he pushed completely inside.

I gasped, not from pain though, the pain in itself was a pleasure, slightly masochistic I know but it was what I was feeling. I immediately moved against him, encouraging him to continue.

I've read so many romance novels, where the woman says that eventually the pain turns to pleasure…that didn't happen, because at no time was there an absence of pleasure, I clung to him as the pleasures in way changed, this was more intense, a deep slow burning, becoming an ache, I moved against his every thrust to ease the ache.

"oh god Bella.."

"I know Jake"

He stiffened slightly and I felt his hot seed pour into me, that did it and I felt like an explosion took place inside, every inch tingled from the power of it.

Jacob rolled off of me and pulled me into him spent. As we both drifted to sleep I heard him whisper.

"Don't forget to try Bella."

* * *

I felt Cut was a very appropriate song for Bella talking about her cutting! and hey this wasn't a depressing ending (for Team Jacob Fans anyway) but i promise you all of this has a purpose to the story plot. i did not write in a BellaXJacob Sex scene just for the hell of it! i'm gonna try and get another chapter up by tomorrow or friday, but i have finals this week so im crazy stressed, but i will try~

~reviews would be so amazing~

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	11. Chapter Ten: After The World

**Hey!! So here's your update as promised! Thanks to all who reviewed! I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight**

* * *

_**You break the glass; try to hide your face**_

_**Recorded lines, that just will not erase**_

_**Buried in your loss of innocence **_

_**You wonder if you'll find it again.**_

**After The World **

_By Disciple _

* * *

BPOV

I must have been dreaming, because the surrounding area was so odd and unfamiliar there was no way I was awake. The wind was rushing in my ears and though I knew I should be freezing, I was so, so warm I leaned into the warmth looking for shelter. The howling was so loud so terrifying. I clutched for my protection, but suddenly it was gone. My hands fell into empty air and I curled into myself, trying not to mourn the loss of the sun.

* * *

JPOV

I was so content, with Bella curled next to me. Her silky soft skin rubbing against mine, it was late, maybe about three in the morning or so, but I was wide awake, you see I was so happy it was hard to stay asleep. But as always something just had to come to ruin my moment, and this time it was in form of Quil and Embry. A loud howling pulled my from my bliss and I sprang up out of bed, freeing myself of Bella's hands to find why Embry was howling outside Bella's house. I pulled on my abandoned pants and shoved the window open I leaned out and hissed into the night.  
"WHAT?"

"Jake?" that was Quill, he must have shifted back.

"Yeah? What do you want?"

Quill snickered and called up.

"Huh, I wonder what you were up to?"

"Just tell me what you want Quill."

"Oh yeah" his voice turned serious. "They caught the redhead's trail she was trying to come back up to the house, we need you to run with us, and we're tracking her."

I looked back at Bella where she lay curled, so deeply and peacefully asleep. And I knew I had to do whatever it took to protect her.

"K, I'm coming." And without a second thought I sprang out the window, shifting in the air. Quill was already a wolf, waiting for me at the bottom. I was preoccupied with the overwhelming need to protect; I forgot to shut the window, to even leave a note for my Bella.

* * *

BPOV

I curled into myself, the once happy dreams I had been living of sunshine, and light, and love, and the warmth of Jacob next to me had ended abruptly and I shivered in the night, not used to the cold I used to so obsessively seek. I opened my eyes to search for Jacob; his pants were missing from the floor, the window thrown open wide. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the oncoming panic, my antiseptic was gone and the sting was coming back with a vengeance. I forced myself into sleep, trying to escape that hurt of being left behind AGAIN a little bit longer, oh the mistakes I make… The wind was shaking my room, demanding entrance and my mind was running in hundred different directions, all ending where Edward stood waiting. His head was downcast, the long, soft bronze hair was hanging into his eyes so I couldn't see them, his eyelashes giving him even more cover as he hid from me, and then so quickly, that if I had blinked I would have missed it, I saw a tear drop from his eye and fall to the forest floor. That's not right, I thought. Vampires can't cry can they? He looked at me then, no trace of the tear left, his eyes were black, and deep, and so, so sad. And then he was gone again and I was spinning, it was like having an out of body experience really as I watched my dream take me back to the hours before I had woken alone. I winced as I saw the crazed and needy look in my eyes, the thirst for something to pull me out of my pain, was driving me to an act, I swore to save…to save for love, or marriage, and after a while, to save for Edward. I saw the look in Jacob's eye too, it was loving, but hesitant…he must have decided I wasn't worth it after all. My heart tugged, my self esteem taking the true hit this time. I really wasn't good enough was I? The hole that ravaged my chest, that I had so hoped was healing burned and stung, I turned to look away, and saw…just outside the window, Edward, his eyes dripping with his pain, he leaned away, and dropped back out of my site.

My dream spun again and I found myself facing Edward again.

"I was coming home…coming home to you Bella…you see I couldn't _exist_ without you…but I must not mean so much to you."

My mind whirled, he had come back for me, only to find me with someone else, moving faster than we ever had, and doing something he would never permit himself to do. And I saw it in his eyes that pain because he could, in his mind, have never given something like that to me."

"To find you…there…with someone else…my god Bella, I never expected that a dead heart could break, but you my love were able to prove me wrong."

I glanced up at him my eyes burning with tears. "Edward…I…I don't know what to say to make you believe me, but that, that thing you saw, that was me trying to forget you."

He smiled his crooked smile I loved so much but his eyes were dead. "I'm sure that helped, but you see Bella, my kind doesn't forget so easy." His hand brushed at my tears softly. "And I don't think I can exist with this heart break…in fact I don't think I will." He looked away to the horizon.  
"What…what do you mean?"I asked my voice shaking.

"Well I mean, I don't want to continue with my existence of course…ahh you humans have it so easy," his hands brushed across my scarred wrists. "My end takes a bit of effort…but remember I'll be thinking of you every single second." And with that he sped off, leaving me standing in horror, reaching out. As he left I heard him whisper.

"Betrayal is the hearts greatest enemy, next to being in love."

I fell to the ground, screaming.

"No!!!! Edward NO!!!!!!"

I woke up my body cool with sweat and my face dripping with tears. The warm morning sunshine was warming my skin and brightening my room in a way it shouldn't have. I slipped out of bed and pulled my sheet around me, walking shakily to the bathroom I switched on the shower, steaming hot and pulled back the curtain. I stepped in trying to let every muscle relax and failing miserably. My eyes kept returning to the small razor resting on my soap ledge. I leaped out drying myself quickly. With a towel wrapped around me I shut the window and the shades, flipping on my light switch as I passed. I pulled on underwear and slipped on a silky black spaghetti strapped camisole. Stroking my long hair with the thick silver old fashioned brush I had inherited from Grandma Swan, I turned to stare at the girl in the mirror.

She looked different and I watched her with interest. Smiling softly she tugged at her lank locks. As if she could ever be good enough for either of them, no one would ever love her. But even as much as she longed to love even Jake, who it seemed it left her too, her visions of Edward still loving her were to near the surface. Closing her eyes she sighed, pretending, just for one moment she was worthy of him, imagining for just one second she deserved him. She started as she felt two strong arms wrap lightly around her waist. _Wow I have a vivid imagination. _She thought. She leaned into a muscled chest and a sigh of contentment escaped her before she opened her eyes, positive the illusion would fade back into her dreams. She was so sure if she would let her fantasy continue that she would go too far when the pain returned. She blinked slightly at the reflection and turned around running her fingers lightly across her angel's face…and then he was gone, drawing her deeper into the pain, pulling her farther into the blackness lurking in her heart. She glared at the girl she was, so unworthy so horrible, not worth it.

She drove him away, and now her heart had to pay. She threw the brush forcefully at the mirror, the heavy silver meeting the glass with a satisfying crack. Her eyes were overflowing with tears and her body shaking with sobs as the glass flew backwards, creating a beautiful waterfall of shattered glass, amazingly not one piece touched her and she stared at the jagged pieces still holding on to the mirror, looking as the many pieces deformed and contorted her face. She sunk to the ground and cried the small shards cutting into her knees, and since I could no longer look upon the girl, I was trying to blame. I was forced to admit, it was always me, I was always unworthy and always unfit to feel the glory of his love. I hugged my arms closer around me, my heart shattering just like the mirror, into even smaller pieces that it had been broken in before.

As I looked down I could see my tearstained face in a large piece of the glass, my eyes big and reflecting my pain. I picked it up; it was so ironically shaped like a heart. I picked at the jagged edge; the sharp point drew blood instantly. I grinned, the madness the pain taking over me. I began to draw, soft designs into my arm not so deep yet, his name weaving in every little design. I began to trace around the vein I knew would end my pain forever. And I closed my eyes, and heard his voice, not clear like in my delusions, but soft and faraway. "No Bella! Please NO!" and I smiled the tears making rivers down my cheeks.

"I love you Edward, Forever" the blood had already been flowing for so long, this cut would bleed me out in minutes, I knew it, and I knew I was beyond help, beyond ever having to face the pain. And I dug in, my closed eyes picturing his smiling face.

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**That is probably one of the most depressing I have ever written down to post for you. Ummm Merry Christmas? Well sorry my story is so… emo, but remember "if not for the dark, we'd never see the stars" It gets better, so hang in there my loyal readers!**


	12. Chapter Eleven: Ready, Set, Go!

**HEY! So thanks to all that reviewed! I am so glad you liked it! Sorry this chapter really doesn't measure up to my last few, but its kinda a filler until I get where I need. **

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer…*sigh***

* * *

_**We were running through the town**_

_**Our senses had been drowned**_

_**No place we hadn't been before**_

_**Too young to live a lie**_

_**Look into my eyes**_

_**Ready Set Go! **_

_**It's time to run**_

_**The sky is falling **_

_**We are one **_

_**Together we can make it **_

_**While the world comes crashing down**_

_**Don't you turn around**_

**Ready Set Go!**

_Tokio Hotel_

* * *

Alice POV

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The vision was sudden and blinding, I stopped from a dead run and stared into the pictures forming in front of my eyes. I saw Edward, he was falling apart, somewhere, unfamiliar, and I saw that first bite into his wrists, flinching away my eyes continued to play the horrific scene before me. His realization at the…I'm not sure what he realized then, the picture just showed his continued abuse to himself. And then the picture was gone and my mind was made up. I was sprinting away, trying to find him, trying to catch just a scent. I heard Jasper calling after me, his voice frantic and confused. I turned to flash him a reassuring look and called back.

"stay with the family, I have to take care of something." My voice was strong, though I didn't really feel that way. Turning again my body and instincts took over as I found my way to my brother. The scent was stronger now, the trail leading me straight to him. I looked forward and saw the filtering moonlight on a small meadow, I saw him there sobbing in a way that was so hurt, full of pure agony, unfiltered by his attempts at strength and dignity. My heart broke, my favorite brother lay in pain not one of us had ever suffered and I knew that there was not antidote I could give him for this pain. Helplessness is hell in itself as you watch those whom you love suffer.

* * *

EPOV

The pain, was so fulfilling, almost a relief from the emotional pain that had been shredding my heart from the moment I left my love. Now this pain, it was logical, bite, hurt. Something I could catalogue and understand this was the pain I needed. I felt the tearing feeling in my throat as I sobbed, so aware at how far I had fallen, ashamed that I could not survive without her. Broken as I realized I had to.

"Edward?" the small tinkling voice of Alice broke the silence, as well as my short bought of insanity. Looking up the small form of my sister stood before me, her eyes were sad and hurt as she looked upon me. I glanced down. My arm had already just leaving my scars the small half crescents. I felt shame, and anger that I couldn't have the chance to heal that maybe my Bella had. These would always be my scars, on my flesh and in my heart.

"Yes Alice?" my voice was quiet, controlled, emotionless and my eyes the same, black and cold as I looked upon her. But instead of answering me, instead of replying in maybe a disappointed sentiment, an angry cry for my hurts, or a sniveling expression of pity I did not want. She leaned over and cradled me in her arms, her touch reminiscent of a mothers shielding her child.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm sorry I can't help you, and I'm so sorry you have to do this." Her hands brushed softly across my arms.

The control she was showing was so false it hurt. She must forget I can hear her mind, hear her panic, anger, pain, and even her slight disgust. So I pulled away. And I looked into her eyes and I saw the pathetic reflection I was and laughed a dry and loathing sound.

"To think I told her my kind were easily distracted."

She looked at me her eyes were sad and I saw the images neither of us wanted to see flash before our eyes. Her broken and sobbing and hurting, I felt my insides twisting.

"To think you told her you'd forget." She whispered.

My head was pounding, we needed each other. I had to go back. I looked up.

"Try and see her, if she isn't happy then I will go back."

Alice closed her eyes and I knew she was pulling away her blocks and looked into Bella's future. I watched the picture with horror.

Bella stood in her room, barely dressed as she brushed her hair and stared sadly at the mirror, we watched as she interacted, with someone we couldn't see. I gasped as she flung her brush at her mirror in anger and pain, hoping the glass didn't cut her. I felt my heart shatter as she fell to the floor sobbing the glass slicing her legs. She grabbed the sharpened heart of glass and smiled in a way so unnerving. I cried out with Alice as she cut softly into her wrists…upon previous scars. She was closing her eyes now.

My voice was faint in the background, we were coming but I cried as I knew we would be too late.

"I love you Edward, Forever."

"NOOOOOO" I screamed as the vision ended. I sprang to my feet and was off without another thought. I sped away, Alice flying behind me, not fast enough to be even with my stride but frantic enough to keep up. The countryside was flashing before me. It was so late…she would be awake early, very early, and dying soon if I wasn't fast enough. But it had been late in the night when Alice had found me. As the Dawn broke upon my form I saw the sign screaming my entrance to Washington, I was running as fast as I could, but she would already be awake. How long would I have? I ran and ran, I was coming on Forks, soon I was running through the town. I was so close, and I could already smell her blood.

"No Bella! Please NO!" I screamed as I ran. I was too late.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Porcelain Heart

_Broken Heart _

_One more time_

_Pick yourself up_

_Why even cry? _

_Broken pieces in your hands_

_Wonder how you'll make it whole_

_You know, you pray _

_This can't be the way_

_You cry, you say, something's gotta change _

_And mend this porcelain heart of mine_

_Of mine_

_Someone said a broken heart,_

_Would sting at first then make you stronger._

_I wonder why this pain remains_

_Were hearts made whole just to break?_

_You know, you pray _

_This can't be the way_

_You cry, you say, something's gotta change _

_And mend this porcelain heart of mine_

_Of mine_

_Creator only you take brokenness _

_And create it into beauty once again_

_**Porcelain Heart—Barlow Girl**_

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**AND HERE IT IS! I'm not to happy with this chapter…it's a little bit of a filler, and a little too short. But eh here it is, hope you all don't hate it too much.**

**TWILIGHT BELONGS TO STEPHANIE MEYER!**

* * *

"I Love You Edward, Forever." She was saying.

I was so close I could see the house now. I sprang forward into the window, busting though I flashed to her side and cradled her.

"No Bella, my god, my love please no!"

I heard her breath shaky and soft, fading. Her blood was pooling on the floor, everywhere, so much. The glass was still dug into one of her wrists. I gently pulled it out and she gasped, her eyes opening, searching.

"Edward? I must be dead, now I have to be in heaven."

Her breathing was labored. She lifted her hand, but was too weak to reach my face.

"Edward, she won't make it, she has only a few minutes. You have to change her." Alice whispered from behind me.

I stared into my angels face, and my will was torn. How do I decide, eternal damnation? Or a chance at heaven? This was not my place to decide but here I was, how do you deny life?

"It's ok Edward; if you…don't want me…I'll still love you…forever." She whispered, her heart was slowing, I could feel it struggling, the rhythm torn and uneven.

I cried, my mind made up at her soft words. "Oh my Bella, I always want you, forever."

Her skin was warm and soft in my hands, as I leaned down my breath brushing her lips, kissing her softly I said goodbye to who she was, the soft warm human, and I mourned for her, for what she was leaving behind. My mouth slid across her jaw and I kissed her neck before sinking my teeth into her soft skin. I did it to both sides, then too her wrists, already torn open, I ran my tongue across the scars were I had bitten and the bleeding stopped. I bit into her ankles where the blood was pumping slowly through her veins. I wanted so badly to keep drinking, the sweetest venom my system would ever taste, so sweet, but painful to know that in this moment I could finish her life, and she would never wake up, not even as a monster like myself.

"Her heart Edward, bite closer to her heart." I looked up at Alice who had her hand pressed tightly over her nose. "and Hurry Charlie will be home by Dinner."

I pulled her silky top lower and sunk my fangs right into her heart. Her eyes burst open and she screamed. So loudly, so painfully and it was entirely my fault. Her body jerked forward closer to me. I ran my tongue across the wound sealing it, somehow pulling away. Her heart beat pulsed, faster and faster and she began to twitch and writhe.

* * *

"Edward, we need to get her out of here." Alice was concentrating on something I couldn't see, I glanced into her mind and saw the neighbors staring curiously at the house as Bella screamed, coming in and finding myself and Alice holding her as blood lay everywhere in the room.

I softly covered Bella's mouth with my hand so her screams were muffled, careful not to crush her.

"Alice we need a car, a fast car." She smiled at me and was gone. I waited patiently holding my love as she writhed in pain. Suddenly she stopped jerking and her eyes opened and looked at me.

"Please stop the fire Edward? Please!?" and the screaming began again as she jerked even harder against me. I heard Alice call for me and looked to see her standing proudly before a shiny black car.

"How did you find that in Forks?" I asked her as she opened the door for me and I ushered Bella in.

"Mike Newton's Graduation gift" She grinned.

I smiled and slid in next to Bella, holding her thrashing body to my chest.

"Wait, we can't leave that mess in her room! People will come looking!" Alice sped up to the house as I waited, I listened to her mind. She was frantically gathering bleach and pouring it on the floor. I laughed a shaky laugh as she sped around picking up piece after piece of mirror. She carefully removed the mirror and tossed it into the large garbage bin outside. Charlie would never notice its absence in his worry for Bella. My heart contracted, how sad she would be, forced to leave Charlie behind.

"She was leaving him anyway." Alice thought to me sadly

I growled not liking to remember how Bella had been so intent on dying. Alice then skipped to the car, assuring me in her mind that nothing looked out of place. She glanced back at me where I held Bella, my eyes tortured as I watched her writhe, somehow holding in her screams it seemed, the sound anyway, her lips still parted horrifically in silent screams.

"Hurry Alice, let's get her to Denali." She nodded and her cell phone flew to her hand.

"Carlisle? We have a problem. Bella tried to…kill herself, We had to change her. We'll be home in3 to 4 hours at most; we need you to be there. Yes, yes he's here. Ok see you soon, tell Jazz to stop worrying."

She clipped the phone to the dash and glanced back.

"She'll be fine I promise."

"I'll hold you to that Alice"

I gazed at my angel and felt my heart writhe and twist just as Bella did in pain. I had done this to her. I was a monster.

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the song obviously refers to Edward finding Bella and having to 'piece' her back together. Its a pretty song you should listen to it! in fact i totally recomend listening to the songs i use while reading the chapter! there's a reason i chose them!!! and i totally recomend reviews! it really helps me know what you guys are thinking, and last time i didn't get alot of feedback from my Edward lovers! where are you guys!? so i had no idea if you liked where i was going, so please review, it helps to know what you guys think :)


	14. Chapter Thirteen: The Posion

_Now, is your time to die  
We've gathered here to say goodbye  
No, more you'll cry  
No reason left for you to fight_

Feel, pain no more  
Emotions never felt before  
Where do we go? (we go)  
She'll never know

Holding on to you…  
…to keep from falling  
Your eyes are closing now  
Another chapter's ending

Hard, times we always saw  
There's nothing left of you no more  
Fear has no place (no place)  
Cover her face

Holding on to you…  
…to keep from falling  
Your eyes are closing now  
Another chapter's ending

This is our last goodbye (goodbye!)  
This is our time tonight

_**Bullet for My Valentine—The Poison**_

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**Hey! Its another chapter! Yeah!!! Its kind of a filler to get into the change chapters, which I must warn you will be long. Woot! Anyway here it is. **

**DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns twilight!!!**

EPOV

* * *

Her cries pierce me as I clutch her closer to my chest, her arms and legs jerk, as her muscles spasm uncontrollably in pain. She rolled and attempted to claw the fire from her skin. I held her hands. Her eyes leaked with agonizing tears. I kissed them away. She was silent, and then she was screaming, begging, pleading for the fire to stop. I never glance away from her. I could not, even at this moment, hear Alice's thoughts. I was so absorbed as I watched my angel suffer. Suffer from the poison in her veins, writhe and scream in agony that was all my doing. It was horrific.

"Edward? We're here." Alice said out loud, because my mind was not listening for her thoughts, I was so focused on Bella.

I lifted my head and quickly pulled Bella from the car, sprinting past Alice and through the door Jasper was just opening. Everyone, even Rosalie, was gathered in the foyer, waiting. Carlisle of course quickly took action. His hands ran over Bella's neck and wrists, checking if I had bit her in all major pulse points.

"She should be done in three days, at the most Edward, she'll be fine." He said.

Bella continued to twitch in pain her eyes wide and unseeing.

"And there's nothing you can do for the pain?" I asked my voice saturated with agony. Carlisle looked at me sadly

"I don't think so son, anything I give her, the poison will burn through every hour or two depending on the dose."

"Can't you try?" I pleaded as I lay her down on the dinning room table. Ironic I thought. Her back arched in pain and she screamed louder. I flinched and cradeled her hand to my chest.  
"Can you pleas try?" I asked again.

Alice flew to my side and handed Carlisle his bag.  
"Morphine will help, the dosing will have to be larger and more frequent, but it will help."

I glanced up in hope at Carlisle who nodded at me.

"Ok Edward, hold out her arm. Alice keep her from moving too much, we don't want her to break a bone and be in even more pain."

Bella was still sobbing asking for the pain to end.

"Shhh my love, it will get better I promise."

Carlisle quickly injected an abnormally large dose of morphine into the crook of her arm. After a few minutes her movements became a little mores sluggish, her eyes struggled to open and she looked around, somehow a little more aware. She stared at me until the morphine pulled her as close to sleep as she could find trhough the pain.

"Why don't you move her to your room Edward?" Esme suggested in her soft motherly voice.

I nodded and picked her up, her movements not so violent, made it easier to hold her closer. To cradle her to my chest so I could feel the last hours of the pounding of her heart against mine. My family followed as I dashed up the stairs and into my room. I lay her on the soft couch and sat quickly next to her on the floor. My head even with hers, I gazed at her and held her warm hand in my cold one.

"I wonder what she'll think of this…" Jasper murmered, voicing the emotional climate surrounding us.

"She was ready to go anyway, maybe she'll be happy." Esme murmured looking on in sympathy. Having been the only one of to actually take her life, she understood, more than any of us how Bella would react, what she would think.

"It's sad…" Rosalie began. We all looked at her in surprise, myself especially. She held my gaze and continued, her voice less sharp than her previous words to me.

"Its sad, that she felt so empty to take so much potential and life form herself and from the world and her family and friends, I can't imagine that kind of agony…" She looked down her thoughts shameful for how she treated me before. She brushed her hand softly across Bella's face, smoothing her hair back before leaving. Emmett made to follow, but she waved him away.

"Stay Emmett, I need some time to think."

And there we were, watching ands saying a farewell to Bella, the young human I had loved. Anticipating with a mixture of love, sadness, nerves, and excitement, to welcome Bella the vampire, someone we ourselves did not know. I held myself closer to her face and kissed the old Isabella goodbye.

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_**sorry its so short! these next few chapters i'm afraid to say will not be as long as my usual chapters, but never fear, long winded chapters will make thier return! I would like to thank to everyone who did review. it is helpful to know what you think, and encouraging to know that you guys really do like this story. Please review! I would hate to have to resort to withholding chapters i've already written just to know if you guys liked where i was going with the story. Till next time! TTFN: Ta-Ta for now!!!**_


	15. Chapter Fourteen: Angels Cry

**ANGELS CRY**

_**Well it is hard to explain but I'll try if you let me  
Well it is hard to sustain  
I'll cry if you let me  
This doesn't change the way I feel about you or your place in my life  
(please don't cry)  
Can't you see I'm dying here?  
A shot of broken heart that is chased with fear**_

the Angels cry when stars collide  
I can't eat and I can't breathe  
I wouldn't want it any other way

_**--**_**Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**

* * *

BPOV

Blackness is so comforting, ahh so sweet. I had in reach, blackness. But coldness woke me up, and my eyes fluttered sluggishly. I didn't want to leave the darkness so lovingly pressed around me, dulling the fires of burning hurt and self loathing.

"No Bella, No!"

"Edward? I must be in heaven" his body was holding me close, his skin was pressed to mine, his eyes said they loved me. This could not be real life. I was dead…and I couldn't have been happier. I heard his voice and the tinkling melody that reminded me so much of Alice's voice. My conscious self wondered why Alice would be in my heaven…she was my best friend, yes that explained it…No wait. I wasn't dead yet, because I heard…Edward was deciding, debating on keeping me. Death should not be so painful, not as heartbreaking as life, why won't he let me die?

"It's ok…if you don't want me Edward, I'll still love you…Forever." I murmured trying to reassure my angel, calm his guilt, his obvious and ludicrous sense of obligation to someone as worthless as myself. My breathing was labored and I was fading, but not before I felt his stone lips press to mine. And the soft tearing of my flesh, it was such a delicious and desired pain, his soft lips coating the tearing of my skin with his glorious fangs. And then I was gone, so far gone I couldn't find a sense of myself, when I realized he meant to keep me.

OR maybe it was his guilt? Maybe he meant to leave me again, once I could no longer destroy myself…after all one of his traits was to take all the blame on himself, he couldn't bear to know he had been what had killed me, from his perspective anyway…I always saw it, that he had kept me alive, and when he was gone logically, I had no reason to live. But he wouldn't see that, so he meant to…to make me indestructible so I could never die for him. How depressing.

My heart seized in pain, in the same moment Edward sunk his teeth into my heart. But it was not the searing fire that made me scream. It was the utter hopelessness I felt, the loneliness I believed I would endure, as I walked the earth alone shadow less even—I could not walk in the sun.

Maybe at some points the fire from his venom was what was burning me. Mostly I think it was a reluctance to live forever and STILL not have him. But I was still so aware of everything it burned even more. I could hear their voices, feel his arms and kisses and every caress, what awful torture. Knowing I would lose all of it that is. This was not how I wished to die. All I had wanted was to be numb. To stop feeling my pain. And yet here I feel the worst pain I had suffered, having something I knew was to be taken…and yet still wanting it. I was so weak.

I could feel him shaking, his sobs silent. My vision was slipping, changing. It faltered from so humanly dull, to inhumanly sharp. And his face even contorted in his pain and guilt was so angelic. He whispered to me and I was quiet. Like what had happened in my illusions, the sheer idea, even as vain as it was that he would still want me calmed the frantic fire, the shaper than knives pain from my heart. Of course it didn't dull the pain of the change, but that mostly I could manage. I was silent for as long as I could bear it. My limbs were not under my control though; I had no time to gather myself, not enough time to attempt a full control of my body. My fingers wished to peel the burning skin from my arms, he stopped me. I begged and I pleaded, even as I was aware of us entering his new home I was still writhing. I wanted so badly to be silent. Just a moment to gather my control and stop my pain from causing him pain. He must be dying of guilt.

"Morphine" it was all I heard through the haze. And I wanted so badly for it to work. Just so I could gather myself, gather my will.

When it took effect, I was able to realize my goal. Though my body was sluggish my mind still ran in circles, thinking, and understanding. As my eyes fluttered half closed I saw Edward his eyes close to mine and crying tears that would never leave his golden iris, but stay trapped. And it was so much more saddening, so hurtful, so much worse than watching him actually cry. It seemed like he wanted so badly to cry for me and couldn't. I stilled and in managed the fire; I would fight my screams and my spasms…for him, for my angel. I closed my eyes and focused, I couldn't let him feel this pain, because angels should never cry.

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**Authors Note: OMG GUYS IM SO SORRRY! This update has been delayed for so long! I feel so bad and I hope all of you continue to read this even though this update is sooo late! I've been really busy with track and AP I just haven't really been writing! But I have one more week of spring break and a lot of writing and chapter ideas! So expect many updates! I'm back baby! **

**Oooh and let me know what you think of the change chapters so far, cause it effects if I continue following the change or skim over it and jump to her waking up…love you all! **


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Devastation and Reform

**_Devastation and Reform_**

**_I feel like I was born for devastation and reform_**

**_Destroying everything I love and the worst part is_**

**_I kill my heart and I reconstruct_**

**_But in the end it's nothing but_**

**_A shell of what I had when I first started_**

**_When I first started_**

**_--- Reliant K_**

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I hadn't moved, not once since we laid her here. Her body was burning through the morphine so fast. We were on the last dose. And it was wearing off. I was waiting. She hadn't moved since the first dose. I was waiting, waiting for the flailing limbs, and the screaming. I was waiting for her pain, hating that I knew it was coming and could do nothing to help.

But, it didn't come. Long after the morphine had worn off she hadn't screamed. If anything, she became lifeless, her muscles were taught and stiff like rigor mortis had set in. Her mouth was pressed closed in a thin and silent line, her eyes when open looked so sad. So confused. Searching but never finding what they were seeking. I lifted my hand to her face and ran my fingers softly across the lines on her forehead and my mind fell back into memories, sweet memories.

I remembered the first time I saw her. How oddly alluring she was to someone who had never felt the slightest hint of attraction, other than bloodlust, for another. But so much more intriguing was her mind and how I couldn't hear one thought. My mystery. And even after I first smelled her, after I had planned her death, my fest in so many ways, somehow I was still so intrigued, just by her mind.

OR when she was nearly killed before my eyes. You see, all I could think at the time was "not her". She was so wonderful. Intuitive and sweet and beautiful. How could I deserve someone so beautiful? Pain flared inside burning with guilt I wondered, how could I destroy someone so beautiful?

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**_SOOO Sorry about this massively late update. I've been grounded for forever! Still am actually but w/e I'm updating anyway. I'm hoping to be done with the change chapters soon! Never fear I will not abandon this story dear readers!_**

**_Review if you want—after this extended period of not updating I'm pretty sure I have no right to ask for them :P_**


	17. Chapter Sixteen: Comatose

Omg, im soooo sorry that i've haven't updated in sooo long! the end of the year was totally crazy and i just had NO time at all, but i dont start work until July so i have plenty of time now! anyway...on another note, there has been an outbreak of plagerism on which is this sites sister site. im not sure if it has been happening here, but i'm hoping not. just in case, if any of you readers see a story that looks like mine could you let me know immediatly? i know its a fanfiction, but i put a lot into these and a lot of scenes and certain things are actually transfered from some of my original works, like for instance bella's suicide scene. So these stories even fanfictions have a lot of my work, not just stephanies characters and i really dont want to be plagerized. thanks guyss....and without further ado....COMATOSE!!!!!

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I hate feeling like this  
I'm so tired of trying to fight this  
I'm asleep and all I dream of  
Is waking to you

Tell me that you will listen  
Your touch is what I'm missing  
And the more I hide I realize  
I'm slowly losing you

Comatose  
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
'Less I feel you next to me  
You take the pain I feel  
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream  
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me  
The way you make me feel  
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Comatose---by Skillet

For some reason I've found myself almost dreading looking into your eyes, my heart is slowing and maybe so is the necessity of being with you, you see because I find myself wishing that I would die just so I wouldn't have to see you walk away. Am I immune? Or maybe its that fear of losing what I need the most in the world. Yes that must be it, I can't stand the thought of losing you when I've found you again. Its really somewhat depressing, you see, to have put sooo much effort into this suicide of mine, slowly leading up to it with the scars littering my wrists all the way to the glass in my arms. dissapointing to lose all of the numbness and darkness, the death I was so longing for. Very disappointing, and even more horrific was the thought that I only committed suicide to escape the pain of being without you and when I wake and you leave, well you could even be gone when I wake, that I could never EVER escape that pain. What do you do Edward dear,when you need to escape pain? Could you tell me this one thing before you fly away and leave my night not only dark but starless? You see, you had it wrong, you were the meteor, not I. Edward? My lips they moved, could you hear me? Are you listening? I'm begging for your answer, not for you though. I've done that before, and you still wouldn't stay.

I stare into the world, still fading, still blurred. I'm not to sure if I can find you….ahh there you are, gazing out the window…I think it's a window…I think. Edward? Could you tell me now if you are leaving? I don't think I want to wake up if your not here, see because then there was no purpose in waking me up from the permanent darkness I was so ready to disappear into….Edward love, could you tell me? The secret to pain when there is no escape? No death? Just a constant meaningless existence. Better thought, is it possible for me to sleep forever? In this blissful state of comatose, can I stay? I want to, because I don't think I can handle waking without you, living, or not living due to my current state, Do I have to wake up without you? Can you stop it now? No, no, im sure you wouldn't after all it was your intention to save me was it not? Ease your guilt? Oh Edward love now I am even ANGRY with you…can you imagine, me ANGRY as in furious with you? Yes I am dear, I am angry, I bet even without your poison in my veins that my blood would still boil. This transformation hurts you love, and that you did that…it angers me, but that's not all. What angers me the very most, what makes me wish you had never found me…well I don't want to live, I don't want this immortality anymore, Edward love I've had so much time in these three days to think and I don't want it. Immortality has no meaning to me. If you hadn't noticed I'd become somewhat in love with my mortality, the idea of dying, of hurting, bleeding. And you in your misguided attempts to 'save' me well they took it away…more heartbreak love…more heartbreak. I didn't want to see you step away from me, I didn't want this. I only wanted to drift, in my heaven, where I still so fervently believed you loved me….still wanted me. Edward why? Why…..oh this hurts….

I see you turn, my sceams must have escaped. It's the end love, but I don't want it to be…I don't want this….Stop it….Make it Stop Now!!!!

"STOP!!!!!!!!Don't, Please….Just MAKE IT STOP" I want it to stay this way---I want to stay asleep, because there….there I still have you! "I DON'T WANT IT!!!!" I scream and I see you flinch…. No love I want you, but I know I can't have you can i? no I don't want_ this_ I don't want eternity without you!!!!

____________________________________the machine is telling you…I'm dead….and then my eyes are open and I see you "Are you going to leave now?" I ask.


	18. Chapter Seventeen: Dare You To Move

Im sooo sorry for the late update, i dont even really have any true excuses. just laziness and an intense writers block. But.... i watched Twilight recently...which as a movie i REALLY dont like and it reminded me of how much i loved twisting this story around my finger :D so here it is after much waiting (SORRY AGAIN!)

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EPOV

I DARE YOU TO MOVE

Welcome to the planet

Welcome to existence

Everyone's here

Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now

Everybody waits for you now

What happens next?

What happens next?

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened before

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Her body thrashes around as I gaze at her, the morphine has worn off…completely and we are out. I can't handle this, what I've done to the love of my life…I can't handle this! I clench my fists in anger, in frustration, in pain and I move to gaze out the window, into the snowy beauty of Alaska. I felt the self disgust well up inside me, I did this to her and yet I can't even look at her? Have I no bravery? Then the screaming started and I spun around in horror. I gazed at my angel. My hands fluttering frantically over her body smoothing her hair, wanting so badly to help her.

"STOP!!!!!!!!Don't, Please….Just MAKE IT STOP" My heart is shattering with every word, every scream…I can't stand it. "I DON'T WANT IT!!!!" I flinch back, my soothing movements stop as I gaze at her…she doesn't want this…not immorality…not me…no…I throw my eyes down to gaze at the floor, I don't know what to do with myself. She…she wanted to die…to take herself away…I just couldn't let her do that…selfish creature that I am. I've taken away so much from her, I even took away her mortality, her ability to die…what kind of monster am I?

I gaze over, my body shaking as the machine blares that her heart has stopped…I didn't need the machine, I heard the last sluggish beats myself as Bella the human, the soft and caring human faded away…

I couldn't look at her; I still stared at the long line on the machine. The unnerving noise of death…a noise I never, ever wanted to hear in association with my Bella. I heard the soft breath before she spoke and I tensed standing so helpless to do anything but watch that long red line. Her voice was like the softest and sweetest ringing of bells in the winter, like sleigh bells…yes like sleigh bells. I was admiring her voice so, it took just a moment for her words to register.

"Are you going to leave now?" I tear my eyes away from the monitor and gaze at her, knowing the hurt and pain was seeping through my eyes. Did she want me to leave? I gaze at her, memorizing every bit of her new appearance. Still clad in her black camisole and underwear, she was such a sight, her legs seemed longer, sharp and toned, paler, an enticing shade of porcelain like white. Her body was slimmer, and yet curvy, she looked sharp somehow…and soft. Her waist tapered in and enhanced her figure. She was somehow the same only…enhanced? Not better…just different. Her face was sharper, the bones more prominent and strong. Her lips were not the reddish color that used to stand out so beautifully on her face…but a paler more delicate pink. Her eyes were framed by the long and thick lashes that were opened only slightly to reveal her impassive and sickeningly red eyes.

"Leave?" I choked on the word. "If…If you want me too, I will."

Her eyes softened as she gazed at me.

"Not what I want Edward, I thought it was what you wanted? Not to have me? I can understand you-that-that you didn't want me but I must ask…Why?" Her gaze met mine, controlled and cold, curious.

"Why Edward would you not let me die?" I opened my mouth but she cut me off. "You denied me immortality so long, you didn't want me! You left! And now, when wanted to leave you pulled me back!? To leave me tortured in this immortality knowing forever that YOU DIDN'T WANT ME!?"

Any newborn in such stress would have lunged for me, lunged for the kill. But not my Bella, no she sunk to the floor, looking at me, asking.

"You believe that I don't want you? How….Bella how many times did I profess my love for you? How many days did I tell you that I would never stop loving you-"

"The one day, when you left was enough to tell me every day, every single day that you didn't."

"Bella, I…I had to leave you. Don't you understand? I didn't want you to die at my hands, at our hands. You deserved so much Bella, you deserved to live, I didn't want to take that away."

She stared at me, smirking bitterly. "By leaving me, you did. Did you really think I planned to live without you? Did you really think that I was so unaffected? That I loved in such a fickle way? I GAVE you my heart Edward. God as furious as I want to be with you I can't because you still have it. You still have my love and God damn it! I still love you! And I…I just want to be so mad, so angry but I just…can't."

I looked at her, hope shining in my eyes. "You love me?" I asked.

"How many days did I tell you I would never stop loving you?" she mimicked me.

"Not enough I'm afraid." She looked angry again but I continued. "Not enough because I had to miss hearing it for a year. Not enough because I couldn't say it back for a year."

"What?"

I laughed. "Bella I love you, I never stopped." I stepped closer to her.

She stood, gazing at me. "Never?"

"Never."

The most beautiful grin broke out on her face.

"Good." And then she kissed me.

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ooh we have some suprises next chapter! lol its gonna be fun! the whole family gets to see bella, first hunt and le gasp maybe bella gets a special power???? who knows!? oh right me! lol, let me know what you think k?


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